Friday, January 24, 2003 at 18:36:47 (EST)

People are conspiring to keep me partyless
So today was to be the day. I was commanded by my boss to sit home all night, waiting for word from Phoenix to launch this new website. This call was to come as late as midnight tonight. But all day long, my inbox was silent about any great works, so in the late afternoon, I emailed the guy in Arizona about it, asking him to give me the details of the transaction later on. He wrote back some hours later to tell me "Sorry, it's off for tonight. We launch on the 31st." Grr. So nobody was gonna tell me, they were just gonna let me sit here like a chump! Sure glad I wrote to ask about it. Now I can get back to the important, fun things I was certainly planning to do tonight. Like ... um ... well, I need time to put something together. I'm not sure I really do wanna go out tonight, it's way too cold, and as many have previously assessed, I'm a major wimp. But the good news is our annoying roommate is gone for the weekend, gone to beg money off her parents. So I can work on my new song lyrics without the shame of being heard by anyone else. Hurrah.

Still no word about the weird comments module failure. I even set up a test version using all new code and files, and it still won't work. I bet they changed the location of some program on the server or something. CGI is getting edged out, I need to learn a newer language. Somebody send me Learn ASP While You Sleep and Lose Weight.

In domestic issues, this morning our hot water faucet wouldn't work. I think the pipe is frozen or something, or possibly contains a human thumb. The pipe didn't burst luckily, but I'm worried it might. I tried several things to thaw the pipe in the basement: hair dryer, soldering iron, hot glue gun. Alas, none provided sufficient heat to travel up and down the accursed pipe. Don't they make something for this? I'm picturing a rubberized handle with a flexible heating coil attached that can be wrapped around an offending pipe. I should build this and retire early. But what I should really do is call the landlady, something I avoid as vehemently as annual prostate exams. I don't know, it's supposed to be her responsibility, but she always groans when I call, then takes her damn sweet time with getting anybody to look at the problem.

I hedge my bets with her because she could raise our rent to whatever she wants in a month's notice. That's why we got the new humidifier and space heater, we just don't wanna give her a reason to reconsider how much she likes us. When those new property taxes kick in, we're all gonna be screwed. I guess this is how New York works; just when you think you have it all under control, some new weird thing rears its head and you gotta start all over again. Sisyphus ain't never been to Brooklyn, yo.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

Check out this class I'm gonna take!
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 21:47:27 (EST)

You have it better than this cat
Here's a picture of Freddie. She lives on the back porch. She spends all day in a Styrofoam box. Tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer. For her sake I hope so. This weather has been sucking all the fun out of leaving the house. Consequently, I refuse to do it.

Posted By Jimmy Legs
They've archived nearly every page since the Web started! Even mine!
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 21:23:22 (EST)

Technology fails me yet again

Something is screwy with my comments feature. It's acting like it works, but it's coming up blank. I have no idea why this is happening, although Frognet did report some kind of backbone outage earlier. It doesn't seem like that would have anything to do with it, but I'm waiting to hear from them about it before I go an mess with everything. So, sorry to disappoint all you rabid commenters out there (and I'm sure this explains why almost nobody ever comments on my brilliant postings), but the comments things may not work for a while. I really hope it's something on the ISP end, cuz my code is a real mess and I don't wanna have to go through it and debug. But if it's worked up till now, what else could it be but a server-side issue? Ugh. Maybe I should pack it in and get Moveable Type like every single other person on the planet.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 15:43:26 (EST)

Those wacky horse-brained masses!
I was examining the American people's responses to the 20th Century survey, and I noticed this:

"Thinking of historical figures worldwide, who would you say is the greatest historical figure of the century?"
Top responses %
John F. Kennedy 11
Franklin D. Roosevelt 8
Martin Luther King Jr. 7
Winston Churchill 5
Mother Theresa 5
Gandhi 4
Albert Einstein 4
Abraham Lincoln 3

Remember now, this survey was to cover people and events in the 20th Century. Now of course, had Lincoln not been shot in the head on April 14, 1865, no one can say how much longer he would have lived. Maybe he would have lived into his 90's and therefore actually have been present for the 20th century. Who knows what sort of good works this nonagenarian might have produced? But the point is, he didn't live that friggin' long! Yet 3% of those polled believe him to be the greatest historical figure of the 20th century. If we were to apply that percentage to the population as a whole it would mean 8,543,906 people believe Honest Abe was still alive in the 1900's.

Now I know who's been watching American Idol.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 15:23:54 (EST)

Get to know Jimmy through an impersonal survey!
I finally took one of the surveys people email each other all the time. I'm usually a dead end for that kind of thing, but I need material to put on this blog, so now welcome it with open arms. This survey is a little more interesting than the garden variety. I'm not really sure what these surveys are supposed to provide, except a chance for the respondent to wallow in introspection. No wonder I see so many of these on other people's blogs.

Part I - Death

1. Do you want to be awake when you die?

Sure, could be a good show.

2. Where do you want to go when you die?

Jersey.

3. Where do you think you're going to go when you die?

Blissful Nonbeing.

4. Why are we mortal?

Because eventually wed run out of room for all our appliances.

5. Why do you think will remain of you once you have passed on?

Not a damn thing.

6. Are you afraid to die?

Bring it on.

7. Would you sacrifice your life so that someone else could live?

In theory, yes. In practice, who?

8. Buried or cremated? 

Just throw me in the woods.

Part II - Historic Personages

1. (Here's a classic). If you could travel back in time to when Adolph  Hitler was a school child and assassinate him, would you do it?

No, Id kidnap him to a cabin in the woods and brainwash him into becoming a Jew for Jesus.

2. What historical figure do you identify with?

Woody Allen.

3. What historical figure do you find to be the most inspiring?

Jim Henson. Come on, the Muppets were awesome!

4. If you could eat dinner with any person from history, who would that person be?

Malcolm X.

5. What do you think the person in question #4 would order?

A salad, and 5 milkshakes (he had a high metabolism).

6. Which single human being has had the greatest effect on the history of the world?

Until about age 20, I thought I was.

7. Which single human being has had the greatest effect on history in the past hundred years?

Tim Berners-Lee, who invented the World Wide Web. Okay, he hasnt had the single greatest effect, but he doesnt get enough props.

8. If you had to live in any civilization in human history, which  civilization would that be?

New York in the mid 70s, hanging out with The Ramones.

9. If you could experience one event in human history that you did not experience, what event would that be?

I would like to have seen the wreckage of the downed UFO in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

10. The Fight Club question ... If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

Adam Sandler.

Part III - The Artifact

1. If you could be known for any invention, political, or artistic movement, what movement/invention would that be?

I wish I had invented math rock.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world (money not an object) where would you live?

Brooklyn!

3. Which would you choose ... Ten million dollars now or a wallet that every day a hundred dollars magically appeared inside?

Simple arithmetic shows us that 10 million would provide 100 dollars a day for over 273 years.

4. Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy?

Id rather have Dan Rather and some randy blather.

5. Would you smoke cigarettes if there were no negative side effects  (include cancer, gum disease, addiction, but not the smell)?

Dont mind if I do.

6. So what do you do with that ten million  dollars?

Id open a bar called Fuck You, World and publish books of my godawful poetry.

7. If you could put anything on your front lawn as  a lawn ornament, what  would you want?

A petting zoo.

8. Which book (or movie, or play, or poem) has had the greatest impact on you?

Waiting for Godot.

Part IV - Psychology

1. Would your anaconda be interested in some even if it doesn't happen to have buns... hon?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

2. Are you being watched?

Yes, by advertisers who place cookies on my web browser, the motherfuckers. No, I dont want to meet singles in my area.

3. Do you pick your nose?

Like it was my fucking job. Wait, how is this 'psychology'?

4. Would you live in a house with a gun?

Naw.

5. Do you lock your doors no matter what (home,  not home, awake, asleep)?

This survey was obviously not written by a New Yorker.

6. Do you believe in paranormal phenomenon (do you  believe)?

I thought Ghostbusters was some funny shit.

7. Which is more worthless, television or  videogames?

Video games are evil, because they promote violence and Im no good at them.

8. Audrey Horne or Donna Hayward? 

Are these porn stars?

9. Would you be a good parent?

Probably not, but Id still be better than 99% of the motherfuckers out there now.


Posted By Jimmy Legs
See what others thought of the 20th Century! Or, People are stupid!
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 12:04:05 (EST)

The Politics of Bullshit
I shouldn't let this stuff surprise and bother me anymore, but it somehow never ceases to amaze me how our government will baldly lie about the situation, just because it's so easy for the to do. Condoleeza Rice has this Op-ed piece in the Times today which is basically a propaganda piece to tell America it's time to kill some Iraquis. The title of the piece even betrays its didactic message: "We Know Iraq is Lying." Despite the fact that all reports from the UN inspection team have turned up little to corroborate the US's allegations of weapons of mass destruction, Rice says that Iraq is clearly hiding them and refuses to play ball. She lists other countries that have disarmed their nuclear arsenals, and then have given total access to its facilities for 'rigorous' inspections. Because Iraq doesn't want to line up with all the other good little boys and girls, the US thinks that's leverage to invade? Look, just because other countries kissed US ass, it doesn't mean every country is gonna take this butt job and smile the whole time.

There has been no report of anything seriously out of whack in the inspection process. Because the US gov't can't dictate the UN's reports, there is a great disparity between what the UN says and what the US gov't would have us believe. They have been taking this approach of talking about Iraq's transgressions as though they are wholly fact; this seems to be a common Republican trick. The US wants to proceed like we know Saddam's got the weapons and is ready at any moment to attack, but nobody's buying it. At least, nobody outside the US. All of our allies are coming together to denounce the direction Bush has been taking things lately. If we try to invade Iraq, I'm starting to wonder if there will be anybody on our side. And increasingly, I'm starting to think that there will be lots of countries who will want us to stop so badly that they forcibly block the path. In short, World War III, or Earth Vs. Bush.

All we private citizens can do is pretty much assume anything coming out of Washington is utter bullshit. What else is there to conclude? So much stuff flying out of the mouths of Ari, George and Tom is patently false there's no reason to start giving them the benefit of the doubt. In the meantime, I'll stick with Naked News; at least they're a little more honest about what they're up to.

A wants to send Bush a present for President's Day next month: a gift box of pretzels. I'm concerned this may be considered an assassination attempt, so we'll leave the return address blank.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

The Bush administration loves political assassination!
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 00:14:26 (EST)

When it warms up, whoa, then you're gonna see something
These days, I cannot seem to get out of bed until the last possible minute. This partially due to the fact that it is cold as fuck in our apartment nearly all the time now that the new ice age has set in. But I just remembered that when I used to live in Columbus I'd get up at like 5:30 or 6 and actually do stuff before I went to work. I realize now that I did that to offset the large chunk of one's day that must be devoted to the 9-to-5 job. I know, people work longer hours than me and jobs that they have to actually travel to, but the basic problem is the same: you are not on your own time, you're on somebody else's. Even on days when I don't have much work, my attention still remains on my job. Until 5 (or like lately, later), I have to be ready should anything come down the pike. Nothing exciting or interesting, of course, it's things like making thumbnail images from PDF files or resetting the same idiot's password because he just can't remember it, again. But even if it was interesting it would still demand attention and this takes up a lot of the good hours in the day. This is hardly revalatory material, but I just realized that my foul mood of late has a lot to do with the suffocating feeling of working for a living.

Here I am, about to retire for the evening, and I haven't even worked those 8 hours back. It's only been 7 since I stopped working and it's spooky to think that the thing I spend most of my time doing is that job. Now, the last 7 hours have been very good. We had a really good band practice, we recorded all the songs we've finished, which actually only number 5 so far, but it's a start. I actually wrote lyrics to a song, which I partially introduced to the guys. I worked on Freddie the cat's Styrofoam house and made it warmer (this make me feel better since it's like negative fuck degrees outside). And I learned to play the incredibly difficult two chords that comprise most of that damn Eminem song. B was very impressed, let me tell you. Any one of these things is way more impressive that what I did between the hours of 9 and 5 (well, 9:30 actually; I sort of overslept), in which my greatest achievement was avoiding talking to my boss about anything. Ah, I shouldn't whine about it, there's too many people who have to do it, too. And if I had that time all to myself, I'd probably just lie around reading blogs or building ever-more elaborate structures for stray cats. But we'll never know, alas.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

Okay, I admit it, I could have written this.
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Wednesday, January 22, 2003 at 00:42:29 (EST)

Dad rekindles our rage
We went to see About Schmidt with my Dad tonight, then escaped the subzero temperatures by ducking into some place called Emmett's for dinner. A nice enough place, it afforded us lovely views of PEEPWORLD and other Times Square holdovers. The movie was pretty good, I hadn't really intended to see it, but when there's a parent who needs to be entertained, my filmic horizons expand accordingly. Why, if it weren't for parent visits I might never have seen such fine films as Forrest Gump and True Lies. But About Schmidt was definitely a cut above those lame ass movies. At least it proves Jack Nicholson can act when he wants to, and not just rehash his role from The Shining. Of course, he's not taking any chances on displacing his usual character, if the preview for Anger Management is any indication. That movie will be good if he gets to kick Adam Sandler's ass up and down the screen for two hours. I'd certainly pay to see that.

When we get together with my Dad, he always wants to know if we've managed to rid ourselves of our vestigial roommate. He thinks it's hilarious that we're too 'nice' to throw her out. It is sort of funny, but only in that way when people squelch their feelings and their hostility manifests itself in odd ways. I'm thinking of renewing my oath to drive her out by annoying her so much she is compelled to leave. But by this action I'm taking on the veritable sensei of Annoying. She works in annoyance the way Jackson Pollock worked with paint, pelting us with it in new and unexpected ways. Could anybody else make the act of purchasing a twenty dollar space heater so downright annoying? Could anyone else discuss the possibility of splitting the cost of a new sofa and make it sound like a death sentence? Lord knows, could anyone else simply speak with that grating voice and be so goddamned irritating it makes you want to hurl a cat at her from across the room?

We may have to take extreme steps to annoy this annoying person, maybe even to extremes I'm not willing to think about just yet. This could be scary territory indeed. I think we'll start small: smoking in the living room, extra loud band practices in the basement under her room, with extra howling, even less concern with staying out of her face. Maybe I'll leave the back door open one night so she freezes, while upstairs we sleep blissfully away with her space heater chugging on thorough the night. Maybe her mail will get 'lost' between the mailbox and the front door. Maybe there will be a preponderance of dripping lumps of red meat in the refrigerator. Maybe there will be staged arguments between B and I that spill downstairs and involve broken and thrown property, possibly belonging to said roommate. And that's just the beginning!

We've wrestled with the idea of just telling her we want her out, but I really don't think it would work. She pretty much has the same right to the apartment as we do, and after confronting her, we'd just have to live on with her there, and she'd just get even more annoying as a result. Anybody out there ever gotten rid of a roommate who just doesn't have clue one?

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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