Saturday, March 29, 2003 at 19:20:54 (EST)

All I wanted was a house and a smoke, and now have neither
Grr, it turns out the house we were trying to see was sold long ago; the realtors just forgot to remove it from their website. I wouldn't be so disappointed but it's taken me all week to get in touch with these people, and even then I had to call them like 5 times today until they were finally able to tell me no, that house isn't for sale. How do houses get sold at all with people like this heading the industry.

Last night we saw Stupid with A and his Brit friends. The C-Note is one tiny venue, but at least the band didn't have to lug their amps and drums, as they were provided by the management. Also playing last night was Goodbye Girl Friday, an electric piano-based outfit who had a really cool sound. Most professional. But what a bizarre crowd that was, a lot of older guys who appeared to have stayed since they dropped by after work. After the show, we staggered through the streets, ending up at the lovely Von bar. I didn't have a hangover today, but I am disappointed I did not get a chance to drink a Bloody Mary. I must correct this omission soon.

Tonight when you go out on the town, have one more cigarette, one more Cohiba, one last toke on your corncob pipe. Cuz at midnight, this city turns into one big fat nonsmoking pumpkin. Voila! Just like that, smoking in bars will be a crime. Of course, the ban coincides with the lovely weather we've been experiencing, and so many people will simply head outside and think nothing of it. The ban will settle in, and by the time it gets cold again, it'll be far too late to do anything about it. B and I cleaned up our back porch area yesterday, so it will be available for pro-smoking-choice gatherings in the future. I kind of wish I was going to Freddy's tonight, or even the Alibi, but I believe it would pain me too much to see these great titans of smoke-filled fun emasculated when the clock strikes twelve. The Sardine Can, on the other hand, is a place that needs a little attention, and I think it the appropriate choice to ring in our new era of preprocessed freedom and tattletale justice.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

Only a few precious hours left. Bloomberg bites!
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Friday, March 28, 2003 at 10:17:49 (EST)

Our beloved Williamsburg Bridge is again safe
Well, we can laugh about it now, we're all right. Right? Just shows what three determined drunks can achieve one spring morn, if they just put their minds to it.

Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Thursday, March 27, 2003 at 17:37:23 (EST)

What would Barry Goldwater do?
I've never been fond of the Republican Party, but right now I'd like to meet a real Republican, instead of all the backtrotting rationalizers. It's telling that it was generally considered that Republicans would form the major oppisition to the state smoking ban, because they always have in the past. But no, they all think it's just fine. More government in more and more useless ways!

Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Thursday, March 27, 2003 at 17:32:31 (EST)

You stupid healh-conscious-but-still-morbidly-obese assholes!
Apparently the new state ban on smoking (begins in 120 days) will pre-empt several of the loophole in the city's ban, including the "smoking room" exemption, and, more alarmingly, the owner-operated bar exemption. For the former, it means the several bars that went through the toil and expense of building the separately-ventilated, no-employees-allowed smoking rooms have worked for naught. Smoking will be allowed in there for the next 4 months, and then that's it. As for the latter, it means even if you own your own bar (alone or with a couple partners), and you bartend and barback yourself, so that there are no employees present who do not have a large stake in the bar itself, you still cannot allow smoking in your establishment. So much for saying it was about employee safety.

The paper reports that there wasn't much of a fuss when this ban passed, but who knew about it? I hadn't heard anything about it, not about a serious effort mounting to pass the ban again. But most people are probably already desensitized because of the city ban. But this pretty much crushes any hope I might have had to open my own bar and do whatever the fuck I wanted with it. Cuz now, even that's illegal.

This is some good ol' fashioned bullshit, the sort I didn't think they slung anymore. But with Bush's precedent in the White House, local legislators are realizing that they too can get away with doing what they want, as long as they always say it's for the good of the people. Well, this people right here says eat the big one, boys! I like how the law points out that smoking is still allowed in "private residences". Of course, in Texas, they're still wrangling over whether two men are allowed to diddle each other in their own bedroom (somehow I just know that if the arrestees were voluptuous females, nobody would object). The Supreme Court is now "considering" saying the law is unconstitutional. What the fuck? But soon we shall be able to legally bugger each other while we smoke stogies, but only in our own homes. What a joy. Thank you, Mr. Governor, Mr. President, and Mr. Mayor. Thank you for not passing a law on how long I can keep my hand in my pocket. I'm surprised they let us walk down the street without some kind of restraints. I can't wait to see what's next on the block. Oh yeah, protesters are to be considered terrorists. Utopia!

Posted By Jimmy Legs

Here's the stupid fucking state smoking ban
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Thursday, March 27, 2003 at 10:11:53 (EST)

Can't keep up with my drinking
Too much blog spent talking about real estate. That's boring. Plus, A is now saying investing in it is a terrible idea because terrorists are gonna blow it up with their dirty bombs. And whoosh! There goes the property values.

So, let me recap what I've done besides house-hunting in the past few days. I'm afraid I've fallen on the wagon. I don't know how else to put it, but I'm all barred out. Both Monday and Wednesday I was not able to work up the mojo to go to any bars, to continue my parade of self-abuse in the face of the smoking ban (coming this Sunday). I've been pretty good so far, but going out every single night has a negative cumulative effect. As usual, fatalism is setting in, especially with the news that the State passed its own smoking ban yesterday. I totally didn't see that coming, I knew that had tried it in the past, but I guess nobody wants to report on possible smoking bans when there's a war on, with its bright shiny planes and big noisy explosions.

On Tuesday I made up for my lagging by going to two different bars, Moe's and of course, Freddy's. I met M at Moe's and ran into a guy I can only name as "Surly Sam". Surly Sam is a friend of a friend and known for being extremely surly. Since M wasn't there yet, I found myself sitting next to him for the duration. I've met him a few times in the past, and true to form he had been most surly. But this time he was rather animated, not any surlier than anybody else. He did mock a stranger who was trying to get in on our conversation about 80s music, but that was about it. I think the stranger wanted in only because we were both wearing plaid shirts, and looked like we might have been in the same boy scout troop back in Ohio. I admire gregarious people in bars, I always wish I was more outgoing. But the Surly Sams of the world will be there to keep us all in check, just like The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Now for your viewing pleasure, a sampling of some of the search keyphrases that have brought people to this site.

  • a picture of a gun up adam sandler s ass
  • beefaroni
  • beefaroni smell
  • beefaroni song
  • brooklyn prostitutes
  • cigar bars exempt from new smoking laws new york city
  • dog costume
  • dopo yume
  • earth vs. bush
  • eminem historical figure
  • fat celebrities pictures
  • hating hipsters
  • jimmy smell tron
  • landlady sex movies
  • photo album wet t shirt contest oil
  • sardine can brooklyn
  • sex shops in brooklyn
  • stipplicon sucks
  • stuffed rats paris
  • the stiff kittens
  • voiptalk
  • This is just from the month of March, I might add. Why are so many people searching for Beefaroni related items? Obviously, my favorite is the first one. It makes me wish I'd said it first.

    Posted By Jimmy Legs

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    Wednesday, March 26, 2003 at 22:46:25 (EST)

    Loud or not, this could be my dream home
    Another day in which nothing will get accomplished. I think we may have found a house that would suit our needs, in that it is within our price range, less than a block from the G train, and has the ability to rent out apartments for more dough. It's just a few blocks from here, further into Bed-Stuy, on Lafayette. It's no brownstone but it's a brick building that once had the same configuration as a brownstone. Looking at it you can tell there was once a set of stoop stairs leading up to the 2nd floor. But it has since been removed in exchange for another window and presumably more space in that apartment. Anyhow, I keep trying to get in touch with the realtor, but we keep getting each others' answering machines. I do not know why this place is so cheap, but I suspect it's because it's right down from the projects. Of course, the wiring and plumbing could be shot, too, but I'm hoping for the best.

    But we just started our search, so we may not be able to get this place. But its existence makes me feel that there could be other properties that meet our weird set of criteria:

    • Brick construction (would really like Brownstone, but it seems unlikely)
    • Near a train we like (B wanted the F train, but the G is as good as it's gonna get)
    • In or near Clinton Hill (we've put a lot of time in this neighborhood, I don't wanna have to learn a new hood)
    • Within our price range (which goes up if we have renters, but I'd still rather be able to afford the place myself)
    • Gotta have a basement (so we can make as much noise as humanly possible)
    • Gotta have a backyard (for the cats to frolic)

    So far, this house meets those rules pretty well, but there's so many other factors involved with buying a house. I hope this place isn't rotting inside, or full of cockroaches, or in serious need of tuckpointing. It occurs to me now that one wall of the building butts up against the Tar-Heel Lounge, a sketchy looking bar on the corner. I need to drop by the house at night to see if the bar makes a lot of noise. That certainly would explain why this place is so much cheaper than similar models. Now, if I live next to a loud bar, I can make as much noise as I want. But the bar might make noise when I don't want it to. This is disconcerting. I'll see what the Realtor says whenever we actually get in touch with her.

    Posted By Jimmy Legs

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    Tuesday, March 25, 2003 at 11:32:33 (EST)

    Someday this blog might be able to serve in my wrongful termination suit.
    Except for the fact that I keep getting work to do, and I get paid for it, I'd say I've been downsized. My ID card still doesn't work, my boss has not responded to my many emails on the subject, they removed the monitor from my cubicle, and this morning my contact at the staffing service called me at home, asking why my office line had been disconnected. Bwha?

    Yet, sure enough, when I called my number I got the same message. Apparently even the company switchboard operators couldn't figure it out. My contact was made especially nervous because I forgot to fax in my time sheet, so it appeared I had dropped off the face of the earth. This would be bad for her, since I appear to be the best job placement they've ever had, steady going for 2.5 years and counting. But mounting evidence suggests the Company has other plans for me.

    As usual, it could turn out to be nothing, but it's not doing much for my morale. The phone could just be unplugged or something, but of course I can't get into the office to check this out. If they are phasing out my office presence, so be it. I have no intention of ever going in there if I don't have to, but it would be nice if they told me this is what they were doing. If anything makes me think twice about buying a house (and there are already lotsa things), it's the possibility that I could be terminated. That would totally suck. Although part of me would like to see them try it; where are they gonna get somebody else to do this crap job? And who could possibly figure out what I do without my expert guidance? Oh yeah, I got this company by the balls. I could bring down their whole empire, with a few keystrokes. Well, their online empire. Shit, I wish I had some hot company gossip that I could use as leverage if they lower the boom.

    My computer password still works, so it appears I still have a job, for the time being, despite the evidence to the contrary.

    Posted By Jimmy Legs

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    Monday, March 24, 2003 at 10:32:53 (EST)

    House or Duplex, or World Peace?
    Okay, I blew it, I admit it. I didn't march, I didn't write letters, I didn't sign petitions. I went to Boerum Hill and pretended I was a yuppie. When we awoke on Saturday morning, we were planning on going to the march. Despite being out kind of late, with trips to Manhattan and Queens (!) for Indian food at the Jackson Diner (a spot I don't hesitate to recommend), I arose in the early light of day (10:15 am) and got ready to go. Then I had some time to kill so I started looking at apartments online. It dawned on me that the weekends would pretty much be the only time we have to look at real estate, and Sunday is usually eaten up by band practice. So Saturday afternoon was all I had. To go to the march was to put off looking for a place to live for another week. We couldn't do it. Plus I couldn't get B out of bed until like noon.

    After a brief discussion of semantics, B and I headed to Boerum Hill. Our thinking was, at this point, that we should go to the neighborhoods we liked the best, then slowly work our way out as our hopes were dashed at the dearth of affordable properties in popular areas. We had our needs down to two discrete forms: an entire house or some sort, or a ground-floor duplex apartment. I leaned more towards the whole house idea; B preferred to focus on duplexes. Due to the odd nature of New York real estate, I didn't think we could get a duplex as cheaply as we could get an entire house. But we walked into the first realty place we found and the guy said he had a duplex right around the corner, in our price range. Well, actually it was on the high end of our price range. We made an appointment to look at it and moved on. We met another real estate agent who was very helpful in explaining different ways to handle buying something, but for all his advice he didn't have anything we could afford. Except that rickety frame house in Red Hook which I still find intriguing.

    We went to Robin DuBois for much-need coffee, but we were getting snubbed for some reason, so we went to Halcyon. There we got into a heated argument about the efficacy of our real estate search. As we had been walking around, I had been figuring out things like how much our mortgage would cost at this duplex we were about to see, and I concluded it was actually beyond us. B insisted that we could do it, especially if the apartment turned out to be as great as it sounded. I talked about my misgivings about a condo, and how it might make it difficult to continue to play music if there wasn't enough to space to live with a bunch of dusty instruments or if they were too loud for the neighbors. But B painted a picture in which it all worked, and still increased the value of the apartment, while relieving us of the burdens of whole-house ownership. With a newly optimistic heart, we went to see the "Large Garden Duplex."

    Here are the things that were true about the apartment, from the contact sheet:

    • It was in Boerum Hill
    • It was a duplex, in that it consisted of two floors connected by an inner staircase
    • It had a back yard
    • It had a walk-in closet
    • It had one and a half baths
    • It had a dishwasher

    Here is what is true about the apartment that was not listed on the contact sheet:

    • It was so tiny, you had to step outside into the extremely tiny yard to change your mind about wanting to buy an apartment
    • It was in a 15-year old building with all the character of an Arby's
    • The walk-in closet was actually one of the biggest rooms in the place
    • It was built back from the street to provide space-wasting parking space (available for an additional $50K per year)
    • It sucked

    While technically a duplex, no room was bigger than 10' long, and the layout seemed designed to oppress. Even the sliding glass door on the back served to remind you that no, you weren't in a big suburban house with a lawn to mow, you were in a shoebox with a little bitty dishwasher. What was wrong with this place was that it was trying to cover all bases, while not actually touching any. It was an apartment for people with tons of money who have no clue what they are doing in Brooklyn. The parking space confirms to me the disingenuous nature of the whole place, as well as those who dwell within.

    We went to the Brooklyn Inn and immediately started discussing where we could find a house.

    Posted By Jimmy Legs

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