Friday, May 16, 2003 at 18:55:55 (EDT)

Wish that I could say it was the first time
So far 2003 has not been my best year, nor the best for the country, either. In fact, I have to wonder if the state of the world is not directly related to my own personal crises. Let's compare:
Date Significant events of my life Significant world events
I get cushy web job and perorm almost no work for inappropriately high wages. US economy at all time high; every single person in the country works for dotcom; buys jet-skis.
Terrorists attack my workplace and destroy my building. Terrorists attack World Trade Center and destroy it.
I am allowed to work from home almost all the time. Unusually mild winter promotes era of good feelings.
I am asked to emcee next Halloween's Dog Costume Contest. A wounded nation begins to heal; jokes funny again.
I protest the US government's aggressive stance on Iraq. UN balks and refuses to approve US actions.
I get beaten up by teenage thugs; my back hurts for a while after. US invades iraq and kills a bunch of civilians, for some reason.
Girlfriend announces she's moving out. Barry White suffers stroke.

There you have it folks, unequivocal evidence of my hold on the universe. The lesson here is obvious: treat me well, or suffer the consequences.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Thursday, May 15, 2003 at 16:01:56 (EDT)

What becomes of the broken-hearted? Gardens Bar!
Hey, last night I went to Gardens Bar on Myrtle cuz my non-girlfriend had already staked out the Alibi, and I didn't feel like I could deal at the moment. But dammit, I had to go to some bar. So Gardens it was. It's actually not a bad place. It'll be even better once it stays warmer at night. For the name is not just a clever marketing notion, they really do have a huge back yard. Actually, 'garden' is probably a bit too much; 'huge concrete lot with plastic chairs and alley cats' is more accurate, though it doesn't roll off the tongue as well. Either way, a pleasant enough place to spend an evening. I assume it gets crowded on the weekends, but for a Wednesday it was pretty vacant.

Now for my big complaint: how can they charge me $6 for a tiny, half-filled tumbler of Jim Beam? This ain't single malt! Down the street (and frankly further into the more affluent part of town), the Alibi serves up at least as much hooch for $4. If I didn't plan on retreating there in the future, I'd say they lost a customer. I guess they expect you to pay extry for the privilege of shivering outside smoking while still being able to hold your drink.

On other breakup-related fronts, I was nearing the apex of my insanity over it last night, but today I feel much better. We had a discussion and that seemed to clear the air a lot. I may have very well crossed the threshold of I Get It, It's Really Happening, and now I can move into the happy world of I Am Utterly Utterly Alone in the Universe. At least I still have my cats.

Well wishers have been pouring in to prop up my crushed self-esteem. Here are a few of the meaningful notes I have received:

  • "3 magic words: Underground Strip Club"
  • "My motto: Fuck 'em!"
  • "Come back to Ohio"
  • Watch out for the depressing effects of alcohol"
  • "I tole you that bitch crazy"

    Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Thursday, May 15, 2003 at 08:20:47 (EDT)

No shit?

Judge Orders Fare Increases Rescinded for New York City

It may not happen right away, it may not be permanent, but it's the first good news I've heard all week.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 at 15:12:39 (EDT)

Financial erotica on the 23rd floor
If you are nursing a broken heart, I cannot recommend scheduling a lot of meetings with insane people who have no idea what they want but blame it on you as though you were in any sort of position to judge. Actually, that sounds familiar. Anyhow, I am now currently working on the redesign of 7 different department sites, not to mention my usual workload which has also been ballooning of late.

I suppose it might be relieving to throw myself into my work to forget my personal problems, but my god, who wants to throw themselves into financial information products? I can't get over the way these weirdoes can sit around and talk about this stuff like it was the best dildo ever. They really fall for that company bullshit, the whole we're-in-it-for-the-customers tripe. Maybe it's because they get raises on a timely basis. Grrrr.

At least my friggin' ID card works now.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 at 10:26:56 (EDT)

Stay Busy! Stay Distracted!
The New York Times, when not publishing plagiarized articles, is setting up a refurbished Movies section. You can now read film reviews as far back as 1929. Pretty Cool, huh? [via Lightningfield]

Posted By Jimmy Legs
Girlfriend deserting you? ZOLOFT.
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 at 10:01:37 (EDT)

Are we not men? ... We are Invo!
I looked up my 3 D's and found this snippet from a motivational workshop site:

The Four Life Positions - and Getting On with Life

  • Get Away From: The depressive position:
    Run Away from Problems (work, sleep, drugs, alcohol, suicide) - Devolution
  • Get No Where With: The futile position:
    Ignore Problems (denial, displacement, distraction) - Involution
  • Get Rid of: The crusader position:
    Destroy the problem (divorce, quitting, murder) - Revolution
  • Get On With: The healthy position:
    Solve Problems (understand problem, seek resources, act) - Evolution

According to this, my plan is futile. It pisses me off that the plan my former girlfriend appears to be pursuing gets to be called "the crusader position," even though it's all about destruction and murder. I'm futilely roaming around like a dope, while she's slaying the mighty dragon that was our relationship. Can't a guy catch a break?

As much as I don't like the views expressed above, I gotta say I'd now like to name my band "Involution Crusade." Or maybe just "Invo," kinda like Devo but you know, more introspective. I can't think of a word that describes my band better.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 at 09:37:44 (EDT)

A Man, A Plan, A Canal ... Gazpacho!
My plan for dealing with this unfathomable break-up is to rely on the 3 D's: Denial, Displacement, Distraction. To that end, I'm trying to find something to do every night until I am either over this or I pass out in the gutter. This is what is known in the industry as "self-medicating."

Here's my bullet list of what I did last night:

We were supposed to go to the Naked Angels reading series thing as well, but the play kinda went on too long. I'm not sure what the theater folk get out of these readings (though it did sound like there was a fair amount of schmoozing going on), but I really like seeing this stuff, especially if it's still an in-progress work. It doesn't really inspire me to write, but it does please me in a way other types of performance don't.

I was nice'n'tipsy by the time I got home, and didn't mind that nobody was there. In fact I slept like a baby until 4:45, when I awoke, still alone.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 at 09:28:13 (EDT)

I was hoping for a longer list but it's a start, dammit
Things I will be able to do now that I am no longer in a long term, live-in relationship

  • listen to NPR in the bedroom in the morning as loud as I want

Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Tuesday, May 13, 2003 at 14:24:15 (EDT)

Ess Muss Sein
In the interest of full disclosure, I must lay some sad news on you blog readers out there. My girlfriend is moving out. Effective June 1, she's moving into an apartment on the other side of the neighborhood. She'll be moving all her stuff, all her books, her desk, her bed, her TV, her mannequin. This is, unfortunately, no joke.

If this comes as a shock to some of you who know us in the flesh, believe me, it's far more of a shock to me. Apparently I've been a bit of a yogurt-head for the past months, and didn't see it coming. I mean, like not at all. No clue. While I was aware that things weren't perfect between us, I still considered our relationship one of the better ones out there. Whatever the trouble, the one thing I always assumed was the basic foundation of the relationship itself. I was wrong to make this assumption, and now that relationship is dissolving.

I'm not gonna bash her in this public forum; it would be unfair and a little sadistic. But since I blog about my life, it's gonna show up here from time to time, so I figure I might as well lay the cards out somewhat. Normally, of course, my blogging is about crap that pisses me off or crap I love. Now I'm in the unenviable position of blogging about something that actually means something to me, so I apologize in advance if my this starts to become a bit tedious.

I haven't totally fallen apart yet, but it's probably in the mail. The full expanse of this situation has yet to truly dawn on me, but it's becoming more real with every hour. After she dropped the bomb, we keep talking about it, but none of it seems to really be happening. It feels like it's happening to a pair of people in an alternate dimension, people who look like us but say and do things I can't quite fathom. I tried the modes that present themselves normally in a breakup: disbelief, anger, depression, whining, promises that things could be better. It's not getting me anywhere. Her mind is made up. I can't convince her to give the relationship 'another chance' because the relationship is exactly what she needs to desert. She says she's in a rut and must live independently. Again, I still can't see these desires as existing outside of what we had, but apparently she does and no amount of debate can change her mind.

If all of this sounds a bit cold, I know it does. I'm still sort of in a daze, it doesn't seem like something that actually happens to me. Or her. But it is happening and right now the only way I can grasp it is to completely intellectualize it. I'm pretty sure the gut-wrenching emotional turmoil is just around the corner. I guess I should be glad in a way that what's happening is so unthinkable I can't completely grasp it yet, or I might really blow a fuse. I can't even feel angry about it, not for long anyway, because it just keeps going over my head.

There is a psychological term I've always loved called "Analysis-Paralysis" which is simply when a person, faced with too many possible decisions, ends up unable to choose anything because the number of options is overwhelming. I think that just about describes my state of mind right now. Except I don't feel like I have any options to fret over. In fact, I don't feel like I have any say in the matter whatsoever. The decision was made without my knowledge, and delivered to me long after I had the ability to influence it. It is perhaps this realization, that something you've built up for many years can simply be dismantled without your explicit agreement, that blows my mind the most.

Despite this, I know I am also to blame here. I can be lazy, shortsighted, oblivious, complacent, obtuse, judgmental. And as you can see here, I'm not exactly the most passionate man you've ever met. I can think of explanations for all of these and other flaws, but none excuses them. Over the course of a long relationship, people necessarily change unless they are really, really shallow. The two people who go in on one end may come out the other unrecognizable. I don't think that's happened here, but there is certainly some strange new growth which blossomed recently that I took no notice of until it was too late.

I'll try to keep this sort of thing to a minimum, but a blog is nothing if not free therapy, so it's gonna show up. One also hopes that I can stop writing such long blog entries, too, but for the time being I gotta think of my own brain and not the needs of easily-distracted web surfers. Soon enough I'm sure I'll be back blogging normal about things like the strange proliferation of cats in my yard, or the weird rash thing I've developed on my face.

And exciting stuff it is.

Posted By Jimmy Legs

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Monday, May 12, 2003 at 15:18:17 (EDT)

The update with no panache
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Week of May 11-17, 2003

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