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Friday, October
24, 2003 at 14:20:55 (EDT) |
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Why not everyday, why ya so afraid?
The Dog
Costume Contest is almost here. After observing the contest
over the years, here are my personal tips for assured victory:
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1. It is unwise to humiliate a Rottweiler by dressing him
up as a beanbag chair.
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2. Bribes work like a charm.
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3. A coordinated costume can double as punishment for an
unruly child.
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4. Festive costumes (such as licensed Disney characters)
can often make your dogs look depressed.
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 5.
Only the most conceptual and homemade costumes really stand
a chance. Last year's winners were simply a black dog and
a tan dog wearing Guinness and Bass logos, i.e. "a Black
& Tan." Also they gave the judges the bribe. Don't
underestimate the bribe.
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6. Finally, any dog looks better with a large novelty hot
dog strapped to its back. See how this subject's self-confidence
soars!
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Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Thursday, October
23, 2003 at 14:47:10 (EDT) |
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Listen to the bass go Boom
Why is it in the movies, sometimes when somebody shoots at a vehicle,
sometimes gas just spills out, but other times the whole thing blows
up? I'm inclined to believe shooting a gas tank would just make it
explode, but often for the sake of the plot you only get a couple
of bullet holes and a gas gauge that drops rapidly.
So is it always a plot contrivance or is it truly possible to poke
holes in a gas tank without blowing it up? This is really important,
I swear ...
Update: Okay, the Internet once again provides:
Apparently I'm all turned around on this burning issue:
4. If you fire a gun at a car, will the gas tank explode?
Hollywood action movies completely ignore the laws of physics
where this matter is concerned. An ordinary bullet fired through
a gas tank would not cause a fire because it's too small, flies
for too short a time, and does not give off enough heat. Were
the bullet to flatten on impact, it would heat up a little due
to an energy release, and may cause an explosion.
You heard it here, folks. Shoot away at those parked cars and helicopters!
Chances are they'll just leak fuel, which will not only mean those
attempting to flee your presence will be stopped short, but it also
provides a handy trail to track them.
Now of course, if anyone should come asking questions should an
incident like this occur, say, in my neighborhood ... you don't
know me, you never read this blog. Get me?
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Wednesday, October
22, 2003 at 12:47:26 (EDT) |
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That joke isn't funy anymore
Let's not let the day be a total waste. Instead of wallowing over
the Elliott Smith thing, or doing my job, let's again talk about the
ridiculous Dog
Costume Contest I'll be emceeing this Saturday at Fort Greene
Park! My job will be to read off the entrants and presumably announce
the winners, if any. The affair starts at noon and will probably last
around an hour, since dogs are not generally known for their ability
to stay in costume for any length of time. It's usually a fairly amusing
time, with or without my commentary.
I think I'm supposed to just mock the dogs and their costumes,
but to spice things up I've been exhaustively researching (read:
Googling)
dog humor. Here's a taste of the sort of gutbusting jokes you can
expect to hear on Saturday:
- What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ?
His bark was much worse than it's bite !
- What kind of dog does Dracula have ?
A bloodhound !
- Why don't dogs make good dancers ?
Because they have two left feet !
- Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat ?
Cats can't drive !
- What eats dog food, lives in a doghouse and is very dangerous?
A dog with a machine gun.
- What has got four legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler in a playground.
I'm in trouble. Does anybody know any good dog jokes?
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Wednesday, October
22, 2003 at 10:07:46 (EDT) |
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Where all you can do is grit your teeth
Elliott Smith is dead.
I'd like to cancel the day now, thank you.
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Tuesday, October
21, 2003 at 10:43:08 (EDT) |
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Up goes the season, pop goes the weasel
Isn't it a lovely day folks? I'm in the office awaiting the return
of my old laptop with its new system board and faulty ethernet jack.
Oh joy. Honestly, for once it feels good to be out of the house. I
know everybody has to deal with this on a daily basis, but there's
nothing quite like getting smooshed in an A train and barreling to
work in the morning. It provides so many opportunities for self-righteous
indignation!
So I'm in the office but I don't really have any work to do for
once. I just finished a big-ass project so I have a slight respite
from the inanity of it all. But now I'm waiting to find out if anybody
knows what happened to the screw that holds my hard drive in the
laptop. I'm always filled with company pride when I realize what
a well-oiled machine we have here, in which no less than 5 people
will make many phone calls and send many emails to try to find a
screw. This is really encouraging.
Despite my good mood today, there is one thing that is driving
me crazy: the woman next to me is listening to "Lite Rock."
How can anybody stand it? If I hear one more Billy Joel song ...
God help her if "Crocodile Rock" comes on again.
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Monday, October
20, 2003 at 11:47:29 (EDT) |
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Heard it from a friend who
Ooh I almost forgot ... after the show the other night we were hanging
around the bands at Oneida and Hills' practice space. For some reason
I was babbling and mentioned I used to live in Athens, Ohio. Mike,
the Dirty Faces' bass player said he once played with a band from
Athens. They were called "Planet
of Pants." Reportedly, I made some kind of cartoonesque funny
double-take face. You see, that was my band. We had played one show
with his old outfit, The
Viragos, at Speak
in Tongues, the now-defunct club in Cleveland. My only memories
of that show was that when we finished our set, everybody had left.
And I mean everybody: the audience, the sound guy, the guys who ran
the place. I guess we came off as harmless, cuz they left us with
all the PA equipment. It was cool to meet Mike again, there amongst
Oneida's huge collection of vintage organs and electric pianos. Turns
out Mike's band has also played with Dirty
Johnny & the Makebelieves, a band that features the Godzilla-vs.-Mothra
guitar work of Al, former lead guitar in Planet of Pants. Such a small
world. Who needs Friendster?
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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Monday, October
20, 2003 at 11:08:14 (EDT) |
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Got to get up to get free
What do you do when you wake up early in the afternoon on Sunday,
with a mild hangover and the knowledge that you agreed to do some
last-minute work for your day job? Well, in my case, I did the work,
if at a rather languid pace. I can occasionally convince myself to
work on my own time as long as it means the upcoming week will be
easier on me. For this project, my effort yesterday may well mean
the end of all the agonizing for weeks over the files that needed
to be reorganized, the barrage of vague directive e-mails I have received,
and the insipid conference calls I have had to attend. There's no
guarantee the irritation will really subside, but I choose to believe
it will. This takes the place of religion in my life; I have my own
misguided value system to put my faith in.
The only thing that made me feel better yesterday was taking a
break to bake some cookies. I don't even really care about the quality
of the cookies when they're done, I just like the process of making
them. I suppose I should take more of an interest in cookie quality,
but to do that, I'll probably have to stop buying the store brands
for all the ingredients. Next I wanna bake some zucchini bread or
something.
We went to Lit
on Saturday, meeting up with Madorangetrucker
who introduced us to her friends from Pittsburgh. Their band, The
Dirty Faces, needs to play here more often. I wish I could see
a band like that with greater frequency. There's something very
New York about them, and yet still very Pittsburgh. I think that's
a good combination of influences, strictly geographic.
People
of the North played as well, once again astounding everybody
with their sonic fracas. They're gonna make a record of that stuff
soon, I wanna put their music on a CD of makeout music. POTNs alter-ego,
Oneida
is finally coming back in November at Southpaw,
apparently performing with Metal
Urbain. I have to investigate this, because the only Metal Urbain
I ever heard of is the French punk band from the 70s. Anybody know
anything about this?
Posted By Jimmy Legs
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